Broken is as broken does; there is no shame in it, only the rise after the fall. It will quicken you to wholeness and recovery, for it is the furthest thing from pure satisfaction and delight. There is no calm in it; no acceptance, only a blinding desire to gain healing in the shape of unconditional love, a rejuvenated spirit and uninterrupted rest. Brokenness is the first step of transformation, rebirth…you have nothing to fear.
I’ve overdosed on life lately. Every lemon has somehow made its way into pure, non-concentrated, good old-fashioned lemonade. Circumstances and comments that would have cut me like a knife in the past have rolled off my shoulders like a cool water spray from the garden hose in midsummer. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment these changes began to occur, but each instance pushed me further into this fully animated, uncharted territory where possibility reigns and choices are more than a few. This brilliant space could not have been more inviting had a sign loomed before me and read, Life Begins – 5 miles ahead. (Side note: I probably would have run in the opposite direction had the sign been posted from fear of disappointment.) But instead, I came to this place unaware and by chance. Slowly, but surely, I have shed the layers of anger, hatred, guilt, insecurity and confusion by confronting my feelings directly – banishing non-existing threats and throwing imaginary accusers and accusations into the wind. I am restructuring my life’s headstrong patterns to follow a tamer, more constant plan without relinquishing my personal artistry or that which makes me tick. My past and present bouts with depression rest at the root of my language, writing and overall person. I wish to continue freely into this mindful, stimulating world of expression, but I am no virgin. I am not so clean and unpolluted that I don’t bring a life already half-lived as someone else with a full set of thoughts, desires and broken dreams into this new world. What do the lifeless do when suddenly confronted with the chance to be reborn? In the world of Christianity, there is a reckoning, a gradual or sudden turn towards the light. The sinnerman lays down his weak weaponry of disbelief and pride only to arm himself with the impenetrable sword of faith and eternal life. It is an overwhelming feeling, and the urge to return to a life of sin is a constant, which is why one’s faith must be all the stronger and more potent than anything else that has come before.
The will to live freely as one’s true self without the yoke of depression must be as strong. I attribute this latter experience to my transformation by faith, because both struggles are ongoing in my life. I know that my faith is what keeps me afloat above the waters of despair at times, and it is by faith that I tread steadily on the road to vitality and enlightenment. I have been to this place before, but like many, I lost my way and depression took hold. But I have been given another chance, and this time, I will not be defeated.
I began writing this blog as an army of one, but since that time, I have received an incredible outpouring of love and support from family, friends and absolute strangers. Many have shared their own struggle with depression and other ills in their lives with me and the steps they are taking or have taken to survive and triumph. Therefore, I soldier on with them alongside. I do not know where this journey will take me in the new year (as I’ve written before), but I look forward to the ride. I am working from an empowered place at the moment with my life dancing wildly and freely before me. It is mine for the taking. I can’t wait for it to return to me…I have to run. I need to catch up. Life – my revolution – begins now!