In the Year of the Terrible Fish (and Me)

Dear Reader,

What is your primary destination in 2012? In life, our daily commutes, weekend jaunts, seasonal escapes or annual excursions are but mere pit stops along the way in comparison to the exploratory and often unpredictable course that arises before us as self-consciousness or self-awareness develops within our human psyches. Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to reconcile oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals. It is not elementary science though. As we awaken each day to both new and familiar persons, places and experiences, we become more and more aware of our environment and distinct role and/or purpose to others and strive to fulfill it. Yet, we often fail to do the same for ourselves; we are not aware of our own awareness at times. I am guilty of this, as I have been told that I am an expert at examining the thoughts and feelings of others, but I know that I have not always been so adept at engaging myself and exploring my own emotions. Until recently, I was not able to tell others that I suffer from depression, because I did not want to admit it to myself. I had bypassed this obstruction of personal suffering with trepidation and tremendous effort for years to appear as what I once defined as and believed to be the norm or a healthy outlook:  always in full command and readily self-confident and happy. I am sure that the latter description may seem hysterical to some as hardly anyone can attest to fully meeting such an ideal character, but I must admit that when I have been at my lowest, everyone around me appeared to be living this ideal to the fullest. They seemed to be enjoying the pure essence of living, while each day I looked in the mirror, my reflection rose towards me like a terrible fish. I had to make a choice – to live on the outskirts of the self and continue to hide from my fears and true nature or confront and strive to overcome my personal obstacles and find a place within myself that is without fear.

A life of quality, valued and good living cannot survive and prosper under a false state of self-awareness. This latter state holds one hostage from freely living, passes harsh judgments on the self and takes a terrible toll on an individual’s health and outlook. Also, the road to self-awareness and enlightenment is re-routed to a destination of doubt and despair, increasing and prolonging any existing depression or hopelessness. Therefore, in time, I understood that I could not allow myself to stay in such a lonely place inside myself. I had to discover a means of interacting regularly with myself and exploring my full emotional range, not only those which brought me comfort and assurance. I had to re-direct myself on a new path to self-awareness and set a primary destination in my life. Now, with every written word and each shared experience on my blog, I near my destination of a healthier life, full of self-awareness in a place with no fear. My depression still has its say, but I have mine as well.

Self-awareness requires focus, faith, and a willing spirit. You cannot turn away from the face in the mirror forever, and you cannot hide yourself in the dark for fear of living in the sunlight. It takes a leap of faith to venture off familiar paths and traverse the unknown, but if it means a healthier relationship with oneself, you don’t have anything to lose but everything to gain.

Female Nude

"Female Nude" ca. 1930-1935 William H. Johnson


7 comments on “In the Year of the Terrible Fish (and Me)

  1. FashionBrew says:

    I really needed this post. Very uplifting. I was having a horrible day but the fact of the matter is I need to be more aware of how my emotions can take hold of the narrative of my day….

    Also loved this line ” A life of quality, valued and good living cannot survive and prosper under a false state of self-awareness. “

    • dorhora says:

      Glad this piece spoke to you in such a direct and positive way; sometimes, peace of mind is closer than we think. Hope you finish the day on a good note!

  2. The road to healing is a very long one. I appreciate your honesty and I am hopeful that with an increased awareness of your triggers and the way you really feel, in time, you will be better and stronger than before.
    I pray that you walk with the Lord everyday and that faith will sustain you as you wage your battle with depression. I’ve had my worst of the worst, but like you, I learned self-awareness and honesty in what I was facing are very important in my road to healing. There will always be feelings, these will never go away, but I learned that we can always line up our feelings with our decision to be better and to trust in our God who will always be there for us and be a healer to us if we make the decision to let Him help us along the way.
    Blessings to you sister, may your journey be a fruitful one.

  3. dorhora says:

    Thank you for the well wishes and support, Magdalene! Like you, I believe the key is honesty and knowing (understanding) your true feelings for what they are…I am refocusing on self for the new year; it’s a long time coming for me, and I think it will make all the difference. And I am looking towards higher ground and becoming more in sync with the ultimate Healer. 🙂 Blessings to you as well…please keep in touch.

  4. […] In the Year of the Terrible Fish (and Me) ( […]

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